Thursday, August 26, 2010

You Know You Want to Be Me

It's 1 am. I am sitting on a butt pillow watching TV because my cat broke my tailbone. Also, I'm eating a pickle and drinking wine from a box.

I am so classy.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Don't Stand So Close to Me...Dude, Seriously

Why does this always seem to happen to me? I'll be somewhere like at church or the grocery store or whatever (confidentially, the only two places I go regularly, thanks social anxiety!), minding my own beeswax, and all of a sudden there's someone I know.

Hi someone! How are things?

Yep, I'm fine.

Ok, see ya lat...wait, what the crap?

No, a hug is really not necessary, kthanxbai!

Oh, you insist?

Well, I've been exercising like crazy (translation: playing Wii baseball from my couch. Dude, you so totally do not have to do that whole arm-swinging motion while actually standing. Wrist flick. That is all.) so I'm pretty sweaty and you look really dressed up so I don't want to get you dirty.

Hmm? You don't mind the sweat?

Well, I've been feeling a little sick lately, so you may not want to get too close.

Oh, that's nice about the Vitamin C. Yeah, I guess you do look pretty healthy (nervous chuckle while trying to sidle closer to the exit).

Mmmkay, if you insist.

*awkward sidehug while slowly patting back*

Aaaand, cue the hyperventilation. Why? Why must I hug you, Insistent Hugger? Are you oblivious to the nervous sweating and wild-eyed, desperate search for escape? Go hug someone who wants a hug and leave me to enjoy my space alone. Am I the only person who wishes huggers would take the hint and stop touching me?  I mean, I like people sometimes, I guess, except for the assy ones. And the racists and homophobes. Also most old people because they smell like death. And 99% of children. Just no touching, k?