I sang tonight for the first time in months, and it was like breathing again after being underwater. Music is such a huge part of who I am, and I've stifled that part of myself for so long.
I think I've been punishing myself without realizing it, because I've been so depressed. By doing that one little thing, just singing along with the music, I've taken a little step toward the person I used to be, the one I remember. The one Shanna remembers.
I like that me. I miss that me. I'm slowly coming back, and I had no idea how much I was missing until now.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
In Which I Update All Two of You
So. Okay. I haven't blogged in a while, but I was inspired to start again by my wonderful friend Karen, who has decided to start a blog. She has her own story to tell, and I will let her tell it in her own way instead of trying to say much here. I will say that she's one of the best people I know, and one of my best friends, even though we haven't gotten to meet in person yet. Shanna and I met her online, and we all instantly clicked. I swear she and I share a brain.
For all the scoffers who say there's no way you can really know someone you've never met in person, I have to disagree, at least in this instance. Karen has helped me through some really hard times, and she is still helping me. She just gets me completely, and Shanna too. We're both so blessed to have her in our lives.
We've decided not to move for a while.
We're still trying to have a baby, and since our donor lives here, it doesn't make a lot of sense for us to move right now. We have had some drama in the past with that situation, but thankfully it has been resolved. Now if I could only get pregnant. We've only actually been trying for four months this time around, but I feel like I've been waiting my entire life. I'm off all of my meds, and that makes things difficult.
This post feels so disjointed right now, and I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not going to be happy fun times around here all the time. I need to get real and get some of this crap out of me, and if no one wants to read it, that's okay. I just need to say it.
For all the scoffers who say there's no way you can really know someone you've never met in person, I have to disagree, at least in this instance. Karen has helped me through some really hard times, and she is still helping me. She just gets me completely, and Shanna too. We're both so blessed to have her in our lives.
We've decided not to move for a while.
We're still trying to have a baby, and since our donor lives here, it doesn't make a lot of sense for us to move right now. We have had some drama in the past with that situation, but thankfully it has been resolved. Now if I could only get pregnant. We've only actually been trying for four months this time around, but I feel like I've been waiting my entire life. I'm off all of my meds, and that makes things difficult.
This post feels so disjointed right now, and I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not going to be happy fun times around here all the time. I need to get real and get some of this crap out of me, and if no one wants to read it, that's okay. I just need to say it.
Friday, November 5, 2010
My Mom Always Told Me Being Lazy Was Going to Bite Me In the Ass One Day
I've always had to do more than one thing at once. Otherwise I get really bored. Well, except for sex, because I've found that the other person tends to get a little offended when you try to multi-task.
I have about a million tabs open in Firefox all the time, which drives Shanna insane. She's one of those people who just opens the browser and then closes it without saving any of her tabs for later. Pfft, whatever.
My point to all this is that I have several blogs open in tabs at any given time. Some are new to me, and I'm reading through the archives. I can't just pick up in the middle, because I don't want to miss anything. Because I'm nosy.
The other blogs I have open are ones I read regularly that I'm too lazy to close or that I forgot were open. Because I seriously do have at least 20 tabs open at any given time. Because I might neeeeeed them for something, and I might forget about them if I close them out. They aren't all blogs. Some are things I saw that I wanted or some other thing I wanted to look at or read and didn't have time. And yeah, I could bookmark it or whatever, but really, the chances of me going back into my bookmarked sites and remembering why I bookmarked something? Pretty much zero.
So what really happens (don't tell Shanna) is that I have so many tabs open, and tabs underneath tabs, that I forget about a lot of them anyway. So they all sit there. Being open. For days and days on end. Until I see them and remember how awesome they are and start reading them again and then I get distracted by a cookie or some glitter and forget about my tabs and the whole cycle starts all over again.
And because I'm a huge moron, I just now realized that all of these wonderful bloggers can see when someone is reading their blog. So I now look like a creepy, mouth-breathing stalker who is staking out their blog for whatever weird reason, when really I'm just lazy as hell and I don't want to have to figure out what post I was reading when I go back to the blog so it's easier to just leave it up.
So anyway, I'm probably still going to leave my tabs up (see above, re: lazy), but rest assured that I am not a stalker. I don't have the attention span or the drive to stalk anyone.
But laziness, that's a valid life choice, right?
Right?
Shit.
I have about a million tabs open in Firefox all the time, which drives Shanna insane. She's one of those people who just opens the browser and then closes it without saving any of her tabs for later. Pfft, whatever.
My point to all this is that I have several blogs open in tabs at any given time. Some are new to me, and I'm reading through the archives. I can't just pick up in the middle, because I don't want to miss anything. Because I'm nosy.
The other blogs I have open are ones I read regularly that I'm too lazy to close or that I forgot were open. Because I seriously do have at least 20 tabs open at any given time. Because I might neeeeeed them for something, and I might forget about them if I close them out. They aren't all blogs. Some are things I saw that I wanted or some other thing I wanted to look at or read and didn't have time. And yeah, I could bookmark it or whatever, but really, the chances of me going back into my bookmarked sites and remembering why I bookmarked something? Pretty much zero.
So what really happens (don't tell Shanna) is that I have so many tabs open, and tabs underneath tabs, that I forget about a lot of them anyway. So they all sit there. Being open. For days and days on end. Until I see them and remember how awesome they are and start reading them again and then I get distracted by a cookie or some glitter and forget about my tabs and the whole cycle starts all over again.
And because I'm a huge moron, I just now realized that all of these wonderful bloggers can see when someone is reading their blog. So I now look like a creepy, mouth-breathing stalker who is staking out their blog for whatever weird reason, when really I'm just lazy as hell and I don't want to have to figure out what post I was reading when I go back to the blog so it's easier to just leave it up.
So anyway, I'm probably still going to leave my tabs up (see above, re: lazy), but rest assured that I am not a stalker. I don't have the attention span or the drive to stalk anyone.
But laziness, that's a valid life choice, right?
Right?
Shit.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Answers to Questions You Didn't Even Know You Had
Uch, so I hate introducing myself, but I figure I'm kinda supposed to. I'm Andrea, and I started this blog because I love to write (and also maybe because my friends say I have lots of feelings and I need to start sharing them with people besides them), and I wanted to connect with other people like me.
I am horribly socially awkward, and I have social anxiety, so I really hate talking to people. Things tend to turn out badly when I do go places, because my foot just lives in my mouth. My friends think I'm funny, but everyone else just treats me like I have a permanent head injury.
Then there's Shanna. She's my wife of four years who I love more than life. Well, not legally. Because we live in Texas. And Texas is an asshole. We're finally moving from a smallish town to Dallas in the summer, and we're going to resume our efforts of starting a family (more on that later, that's been a HUGE challenge) after we move.
We have two lazy-ass dogs and a cat who wants me dead.
Oh, and the monkeypants thing. We have a three-year-old nephew who we absolutely adore. I can't imagine what it's like to love a child the way a parent does, although I hope to someday, but I think what I feel must be the second best thing because that boy is my heart. Anyway, we were playing one day, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer was on. Which I love in a very geeky way. Which, yeah, I know he's kinda too little to watch that and everything, and I probably should have changed the channel and it was a babysitting fail. Anyway, it was the very cute scene between Oz and Willow in the second season where they are talking about animal crackers and how the monkeys are the only ones who have pants, and how the monkey mocks all the other animals with his monkey pants. So I turned to my nephew and I said, "I mock you with my monkey pants," and of course he repeated it over and over the way three-year-olds do, and I then I started calling him monkeypants, and it just stuck and so that's what I decided to call this blog.
I don't know who will want to read this, but I know it's time for me to do something for me.
I am horribly socially awkward, and I have social anxiety, so I really hate talking to people. Things tend to turn out badly when I do go places, because my foot just lives in my mouth. My friends think I'm funny, but everyone else just treats me like I have a permanent head injury.
Then there's Shanna. She's my wife of four years who I love more than life. Well, not legally. Because we live in Texas. And Texas is an asshole. We're finally moving from a smallish town to Dallas in the summer, and we're going to resume our efforts of starting a family (more on that later, that's been a HUGE challenge) after we move.
We have two lazy-ass dogs and a cat who wants me dead.
Oh, and the monkeypants thing. We have a three-year-old nephew who we absolutely adore. I can't imagine what it's like to love a child the way a parent does, although I hope to someday, but I think what I feel must be the second best thing because that boy is my heart. Anyway, we were playing one day, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer was on. Which I love in a very geeky way. Which, yeah, I know he's kinda too little to watch that and everything, and I probably should have changed the channel and it was a babysitting fail. Anyway, it was the very cute scene between Oz and Willow in the second season where they are talking about animal crackers and how the monkeys are the only ones who have pants, and how the monkey mocks all the other animals with his monkey pants. So I turned to my nephew and I said, "I mock you with my monkey pants," and of course he repeated it over and over the way three-year-olds do, and I then I started calling him monkeypants, and it just stuck and so that's what I decided to call this blog.
I don't know who will want to read this, but I know it's time for me to do something for me.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Internet's Kind of an Asshat
Me: I'm back!
The Internet: *crickets*
Me: Huh. I guess you have to actually have readers already for them to miss you when you're gone. Crap, I did it backwards. Oh well, I'm back from not being here anyway.
Internet: Meh.
Me: *sad face*
Internet: Whatevs.
Me: Bitch.
The Internet: *crickets*
Me: Huh. I guess you have to actually have readers already for them to miss you when you're gone. Crap, I did it backwards. Oh well, I'm back from not being here anyway.
Internet: Meh.
Me: *sad face*
Internet: Whatevs.
Me: Bitch.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
You Know You Want to Be Me
It's 1 am. I am sitting on a butt pillow watching TV because my cat broke my tailbone. Also, I'm eating a pickle and drinking wine from a box.
I am so classy.
I am so classy.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Don't Stand So Close to Me...Dude, Seriously
Why does this always seem to happen to me? I'll be somewhere like at church or the grocery store or whatever (confidentially, the only two places I go regularly, thanks social anxiety!), minding my own beeswax, and all of a sudden there's someone I know.
Hi someone! How are things?
Yep, I'm fine.
Ok, see ya lat...wait, what the crap?
No, a hug is really not necessary, kthanxbai!
Oh, you insist?
Well, I've been exercising like crazy (translation: playing Wii baseball from my couch. Dude, you so totally do not have to do that whole arm-swinging motion while actually standing. Wrist flick. That is all.) so I'm pretty sweaty and you look really dressed up so I don't want to get you dirty.
Hmm? You don't mind the sweat?
Well, I've been feeling a little sick lately, so you may not want to get too close.
Oh, that's nice about the Vitamin C. Yeah, I guess you do look pretty healthy (nervous chuckle while trying to sidle closer to the exit).
Mmmkay, if you insist.
*awkward sidehug while slowly patting back*
Aaaand, cue the hyperventilation. Why? Why must I hug you, Insistent Hugger? Are you oblivious to the nervous sweating and wild-eyed, desperate search for escape? Go hug someone who wants a hug and leave me to enjoy my space alone. Am I the only person who wishes huggers would take the hint and stop touching me? I mean, I like people sometimes, I guess, except for the assy ones. And the racists and homophobes. Also most old people because they smell like death. And 99% of children. Just no touching, k?
Hi someone! How are things?
Yep, I'm fine.
Ok, see ya lat...wait, what the crap?
No, a hug is really not necessary, kthanxbai!
Oh, you insist?
Well, I've been exercising like crazy (translation: playing Wii baseball from my couch. Dude, you so totally do not have to do that whole arm-swinging motion while actually standing. Wrist flick. That is all.) so I'm pretty sweaty and you look really dressed up so I don't want to get you dirty.
Hmm? You don't mind the sweat?
Well, I've been feeling a little sick lately, so you may not want to get too close.
Oh, that's nice about the Vitamin C. Yeah, I guess you do look pretty healthy (nervous chuckle while trying to sidle closer to the exit).
Mmmkay, if you insist.
*awkward sidehug while slowly patting back*
Aaaand, cue the hyperventilation. Why? Why must I hug you, Insistent Hugger? Are you oblivious to the nervous sweating and wild-eyed, desperate search for escape? Go hug someone who wants a hug and leave me to enjoy my space alone. Am I the only person who wishes huggers would take the hint and stop touching me? I mean, I like people sometimes, I guess, except for the assy ones. And the racists and homophobes. Also most old people because they smell like death. And 99% of children. Just no touching, k?
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